


No one cares about Marius' lonely soul (or penis).

by thepeopletoomustrise



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: F/M, Gen, I'm, M/M, Sexting, laughing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2013-04-23
Packaged: 2017-12-09 06:13:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/770916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepeopletoomustrise/pseuds/thepeopletoomustrise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marius Painfully Awkward Pontmercy has just gotten a new phone and decides that, naturally, he should try to sext his girlfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No one cares about Marius' lonely soul (or penis).

**Author's Note:**

> I'M ACTUALLY SHRIEKING  
> DON'T TAKE THIS TOO SERIOUSLY

Marius has a new phone.

 

A shiny new touch screen with buttons that make the loveliest little noises when they’re clicked, unlimited data usage, pictures messaging with an unbelievably high megapixel camera, and the option to send _group_ text messages, which is something he’s been waiting for. And Marius is certainly and _completely_ struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight.

 

He’s still getting the hang of the phone as a whole when the thought occurs to him. On his old phone – a crappy slider without a full keyboard – it made it nearly impossible to text with ease. Specifically, to text _Cosette_ with ease.

 

And Marius, being Marius, was often reading women’s magazines in search of information regarding the complicated subject of the female mind; recently he had read an article about sexting, something he had never even considered doing. But now he has this fantastic new device and feels like he has all of the power in the world – so why not wield it?

 

Ah, yes. He’ll show Cosette that he, too, has the ability to be sexy and spontaneous while being a pure and utter technology wizard.

 

**_Marius:_ ** _Hey Cosette! Hamburgers, going_

**_Marius:_ ** _Sorry, autocorrect *how’s it going?_

He smiles proudly at his accomplishment.

 

**_Cosette:_ ** _Hello my love_ _< 3_ _how is your new phone?_

**_Marius:_ ** _Grapes_

**_Marius:_ ** _*great_

He scratches his head for a moment, running his finger over the screen. Okay, so this autocorrect business would take awhile to get used to, sure. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t be irresistible to his girlfriend at the same time.

 

**_Cosette:_ ** _Are you still coming over for dinner tonight? :D_

**_Cosette:_ ** _< 3_

**_Marius:_ ** _Yes But you Know what I_

****

**_Marius:_ ** _Sorry, I hit enter. You know what I am thinking of right now_

**_Cosette:_ ** _???_

Marius smiles proudly to himself. He has crafted the perfect reply that, as the magazine said, would make her _squirm._ Over the course of the now two year relationship, they have become perfectly comfortable with each other, but dainty little Cosette and Socially Awkward Marius have not yet mastered the whole seductive side of the relationship.

 

**_Marius:_ ** _I’m thinking of you Naked ;)_

**_Courfeyrac:_ ** _WHAT THE FUCK MARIUS_

Marius blinks rapidly and nearly drops his new little device. Courfeyrac is next to ‘Cosette <3’ in his contacts, and his finger must have slipped because of the touch screen. He feels himself blush even if it’s just him alone.

 

**_Marius:_ ** _Sorry wrong nacho_

**_Marius:_ ** _*number_

**_Courfeyrac:_ ** _WELL I MEAN, if you’re into that…_

Marius, flustered, shakes his head and switches back to Cosette’s number, certain to check that it’s indeed her number. He resends the text, exhaling.

 

**_Cosette:_ ** _awh <3_

Uh oh. He has stumbled upon a roadblock. How does one reply to ‘awh’ in this situation, exactly?

 

**_Marius:_ ** _You have a nice body._

Once again, he smiles proudly just to himself, admiring his practically flawless and sensual text message. His cheeks are blooming with red, and he licks his lips.

 

**_Jehan:_ ** _Thank you, Marius! Have a lovely day!_

He stares at his phone again in disbelief. How on _earth_ had he managed to send Jehan the text message rather than Cosette? He must have been going to fast, he concludes, and is careful to resend the misfire text to Cosette instead. At least it was just Jehan. If it was Courfeyrac or Grantaire, he’d never hear the end of it, surely.

 

**_Cosette:_ ** _Thanks Marius_ _J_ _you know what is nice on you?_

Ah, so she is catching on! Marius gives himself an invisible pat on the back when he gets another text.

 

**_Cosette:_ ** _your thingie :P_

Shivers run up his spine. She said _thingie._ Damn, she’s _good_ at this.

 

**_Marius:_ ** _I’d like to fondle Your Breasts!_

**_Courfeyrac:_ ** _marius._

He ignores Courfeyrac and resends his text to Cosette.

He actually cannot even freaking _handle_ himself right now because it feels like a sex god has completely crawled out of the inner depths of his soul. He wonders if this impeccable way with words is turning her on.

 

She reads his mind.

 

**_Cosette:_ ** _ohhhh haha I’m turned on <3_

**_Marius:_ ** _I am turned on Toad_

**_Marius:_ ** _*too_

**_Cosette:_ ** _ur so hot when you’re turned on <3_

Marius can feel his heart thumping in his chest. Okay, she is _good_ at this or something because he didn’t think that a piece of digital technology could even make him this aroused and somehow she has done it.

 

And he thinks to himself for a moment. They’re both mature, responsible adults, and he decides that he wants to take it a step further. Taking a deep breath, he decides to type out a whole new sort of message.

 

**_Marius:_ ** _I’d like to place my penis in your vagina ;)_

He sits back and waits. His heart is pounding in anticipation along with an equal amount of worry, given that he has never really talked to her like this before. Will she like it? Or will she think he’s icky? His phone buzzes with a flurry of texts.

 

**_Enjolras:_ ** _Explain to me how this furthers our cause._

**_Enjolras:_ ** _Oh, right! It doesn’t!_

**_Enjolras:_ ** _France before pants, Marius! We’ve gone over this before! Dammit!_

Marius actually thinks he is at the pinnacle of his embarrassment and wants to do nothing more but absolutely disappear for the rest of eternity. He types back a jumbled response.

 

**_Marius:_ ** _Swamp_

**_Marius:_ ** _*sorry Eggs_

**_Marius:_ ** _*England_

**_Marius:_ ** _*Engagement_

**_Marius:_ ** _*Enjolras_

**_Enjolras:_ ** _It’s always about the name, isn’t it._

Sighing, he runs a hand through his hair and realizes how emotionally exhausting sexting actually is. When Courfeyrac had told him about his sexual adventures and mentioned using communication devices, he certainly hadn’t mentioned autocorrect. Or touchscreen malfunctions. He sends that same text to Cosette, anyway, figuring that at this point he really has nothing to lose.

 

**_Cosette:_ ** _you’re making me blush haha <3 _

**_Cosette:_ ** _I like ur penis_

**_Marius:_ ** _thx I like your Boobs_

**_Cosette:_ ** _;) Want to touch them?_

**_Marius:_ ** _yeah. Really bad_

He’s grinning widely now, elated on his impeccable sexual energy and impressed with how much more comfortable he has become with the whole concept of sexting as a whole.

 

This sudden burst of confidence has his fingers flying, and he sends the text without thinking.

 

**_Marius:_ ** _I’m really hard ;)_

**_Combeferre:_ ** _I’m uncomfortable. Is everything all right, Marius? Do I need to call Joly?!_

Combeferre, Courfeyrac, and Cosette… _why_ do all of his friends have names that start with the letter C of which makes them sit next to each other in his contact list?! Freaking.

 

**_Marius:_ ** _It’s ok_

He sends the same text to Cosette, a tad distraught.

 

**_Cosette:_ ** _Ooooh ;)_

He’s on an emotional rollercoaster with this whole sexting deal.

 

**_Marius:_ ** _I want 2 be in you_

**_Enjolras:_ ** _For fuck’s sake, Marius._

**_Marius:_ ** _oh sorry Endoscopy_

**_Marius:_ ** _*Enjoy_

**_Marius:_ ** _*Eccentric_

**_Marius:_ ** _*Epidermis_

**_Marius:_ ** _*Eviction_

**_Enjolras:_ ** _I’m going to block your number._

Marius clamps down on his lip and nearly slaps himself in the face out of frustration. All he wants to freaking do is show his girlfriend how much of a sex fiend he really is, and this _phone_ was proving to make it the most impossible and embarrassing process. So, he resends the test messages, adding a little bit of pizzazz.

**_Marius:_ ** _I want 2 be in you Ugh I’m so horned_

**_Marius:_ ** _*Hopkins_

**_Marius:_ ** _*HORNY OKAY I’M FREAKING HORNY_

**_Marius:_ ** _I’M JUST TRYING TO HAVE A SEXY CONVERSATION WITH YOU AND_

**_Marius:_ ** _I hit enter again_

**_Marius:_ ** _AND THIS PHONE IS MAKING IT SO HARD_

**_Marius:_ ** _AND I’M REALLY HARD TOO_

**_Marius:_ ** _haha Joke,_

By the end of his rant, he’s trembling in anger, and he lets out a frustrated huff of breath in disbelief. He sits back, waiting for something, _anything_ that will make this difficult process even slightly worth it. It’s taking an obscene amount of his time and energy. The magazines said this would be _sexy_ and _carefree,_ and this is certainly lacking the latter. His phone buzzes, and he’s praying that maybe Cosette will have a really awesome reply and—

 

**_Cosette’s Dad:_ ** _What_

_\---------------------------------------------------------------_

“VALJEAN!” Javert’s scream is coming from the kitchen, so Awkward Valjean comes hobbling in hurriedly, worried that his boyfriend has been hurt or maimed or something of the sort. But when he enters the kitchen, Javert is just holding Valjean’s phone in his hand in a grip that’s turning his knuckles white.

 

“What?”

 

“Who is this _person_ who is sending you _sexual_ text messages? That said person is _hard?”_ Javert is fuming, and he’s nearly shaking in anger and confusion.

 

Valjean is equally confused, “Why, I don’t know! What is the name of the number! On the contact!” He’s flustered now.

 

“Marius? Pontmercy?”


End file.
